First Impressions

Are they important?

We assume that the initial impressions we make on other people will impact on our future relationships with them.

We also believe that once an impression about us has been formed it will be difficult to change that impression in the future.

But are these assumptions correct?

Yes – decades of research support these assumptions.

When we form impressions of people we use a range on mental processes about social information.

Can we manage this situation?

To a certain degree – yes we can, through self-enhancement and other enhancement.

Self-enhancement.

We can manage the first impressions we make on other people through the way we dress, personal grooming and the use of props (research suggests that eye glasses have been found to encourage impressions of intelligence). Also describing oneself in positive terms, explaining about overcoming daunting obstacles or expressing a knowledge and appreciation of a subject currently popular.

If You need someone to help you with improving your appearance and enhancing the first impression you create, try:-
Image & Colour Consultancy

Alter Ego offers corporate training from qualified image consultants.

Please contact them on 0845 337 9194 for further details
Or visit the website My Alter Ego

Other-enhancement

Flattery can work if it’s not overdone. Other tactics include agreeing with the other person’s attitudes or views; showing interest in them; doing small favours for them; asking for advice or feedback; expressing liking non-verbally (high levels of eye contact, nodding and smiling etc). See notes on rapport building.

Impression management does work but needs skill and care.

Beware of the slime effect – impression management can backfire if overdone.

Individuals often use impression management tactics consciously. However, impressions are also influenced by subconscious factors such as aspects of physical appearance and subtle aspects of speech.

Growing evidence from research suggests that we can form quite accurate perceptions of people from brief meetings or photos.

Encouraging others to like you.

Repeated exposure to someone tends to result in positive affect (feelings about the person) and positive affect results in liking, and also reduces prejudice.

In situations where you hope to make friends – create a positive mood.

Make the most of your appearance and look beyond appearances. Observable characteristics play an important role in how others react to you (physical appearance and how you behave). Try hard to look beyond your stereotypical views of others.

People respond well to agreement and similarity. Don’t deceive people about your own views, but try to find areas of similarity where possible rather than dwelling on areas of dissimilarity. Try to make sense of the views of others without becoming threatened or defensive yourself. Keep in mind that agreement need not mean that you are correct, and disagreement need not mean that you are wrong.

Stereotypes and Prejudice

Stereotypes are mental frameworks we have that suggest that everyone belonging to a certain social group have similar characteristics (eg all accountants wear glasses and are boring; all pretty women with long blonde hair are stupid). Stereotyping leads us to make inferences about other people. When we come up with information that is inconsistent with our stereotype we mentally try to make it consistent by looking for evidence that backs up the stereotype rather than looking for the evidence that contradicts it.

Recent research findings indicate that there is a close link between stereotype and prejudice.

Prejudice is an attitude (usually negative) toward members of a social group based solely on their membership in that group. Prejudice influences our processing of social information and influences our beliefs about people belonging to various groups and our feelings about them.

How we get things wrong

If we meet someone new who seems very angry or abrupt we tend to think that they are like that all of the time, he/she is an angry person. We don’t stop to consider whether something has just happened to make them react in that way. They may have just received some really bad news or be in pain for instance.

I have a friend who is often perceived as being abrupt, but who is actually very anxious nervous and self-critical.

The fundamental attribution error – we see people’s behaviour as being dispositional (that’s because they are like that) rather than the situation (under the circumstances). With our own behaviour we tend to attribute it to the situation, not our personality.

We also tend to make sweeping generalisations that people are like that in every situation – halo/horns.

Depressed people of ten show the opposite pattern of attributes – they attribute positive events to external causes (I was lucky) and negative ones to internal causes (it’s because I’m useless).

Dealing With Emotions

Dealing With Emotions

When we are talking to someone or even speaking to a large group of people we can sometimes become overwhelmed by our emotions. It’s almost as though our bodies have been hijacked by some emotional demon that we can’t control. This happens for a number of reasons and one of the main ones is because we are in a state of anxiety. Perhaps we’re worried about making the right impression. When this happens a system in our brains takes a short cut through the bit that deals with emotions (the amygdala) and we react with a greater strength of emotion than we would like. If we’re talking about something that happened that made us eg very sad, then the shortcut mechanism means that we associate past feelings with what we are saying and those feelings are brought right back to the fore.

How can we change our reactions to these events?

Firstly it’s important that we prepare for the situation by relaxing.
Visualise the event and you making the speech/talking to someone about a difficult situation.
Try to tune into your body and how you feel.
Try to think about something that makes you feel happy and relaxed. It might be watching your grandchildren playing on a sunny beach, watching your cat play with a toy, being with a close friend relaxing, watching a favourite film etc.

The trick is to associate the positive feelings with a negative event. It takes time and practice but you can do it.

When I was very young a teacher said something really horrid to me when I was eating a banana (“I don’t know why you’re stuffing your face girl, you’re fat enough as it is”). This event triggered off a negative reaction in me, which impacted on me for nearly 20 years. I couldn’t tell anyone about it without getting upset. With time and practice I managed to associate the banana with something funny and now if I ever mention the event it makes me smile.

Anger

An angry reaction to something, perhaps someone has criticised you or driven close behind you honking their horn to get past, can escalate and have some very negative consequences. This is where we go back to our evolutionary roots. When something makes us angry we have a fight or flight response in our bodies. The hormones in our bodies take some time to dissipate. This is why we snap at other people after an event has upset us. Have you noticed how we get even angrier when we think about the event later?

Have you noticed how when we understand that there is a reason for the person’s behaviour we no longer feel angry? The person who criticised you says ‘I’m sorry I had a go at you, I’d just had some really bad news and over reacted to everything’, or the driver who flashed at you turns out to be a doctor rushing to the scene of an accident to assist until the police and ambulance get there.

There is a popular myth that venting anger gets it out of your system. Research has actually found the opposite effect. Venting your anger makes you feel worse. The best way to deal with anger is to recognise the changes that happen in your body and stop the anger building. Distraction is one of the best methods. Not eating, drinking or shopping, but if we actually do something active eg a short brisk walk, the angry hormones will dissipate quicker in our bodies and reduce the fight/flight effect.

Self-Esteem

Show Respect for Yourself

Revisit yesterday – from getting up in the morning to going to bed at night, recall the things that you did that showed respect for yourself.

Then list your actions or behaviour that didn’t show respect for yourself.

Choose one item on your list that you can commit to doing differently, and in so doing, take one step towards showing more respect for yourself.

Confidence

According to the dictionary

Confidence is:-
1. trust in a person or thing
2. belief in one’s own abilities; self-assurance
3. trust or a trustful relationship: take me into your confidence.

Self-assurance means :-
confidence in the validity, value, etc., of one’s own ideas, opinions, etc.

Self-confidence means:-
confidence in ones own powers, judgement etc.

How can we become more confident ?
Through
Assertiveness
Looking after ourselves
Modifying self talk
Goal setting
Dealing with problems
Taking risks and making decisions
Persistence
Personal responsibility

Lessons in confidence from Catherine

A friend, Catherine, has just told me a story about confidence. When learning to ski Catherine was bemoaning to her husband that she would never become a confident skier because she didn’t like the bumpy slopes, she didn’t like slush, she didn’t like the really steep slopes and so on. Her wise husband said ‘once you have learned to ski in all conditions, then you’ll become a confident skier’. Catherine said, it’s a bit like life isn’t it, you need to learn to deal with different situations, just because you’re having a bad day doesn’t mean you’re a failure or that you lack confidence full stop, it just means that you’re having a bad day and tomorrows another day!.

A really good example of persistence in the face of adversity is babies learning to walk. No matter what knocks a baby gets, no matter how many times they fall over, they keep going, because babies are cleverer than we think. The benefits of learning to walk far outweigh the knocks along the way!

Create your own ‘Success Book’

Keeping a file of your personal achievements can be a great confidence boost. Find an attractive notebook or a file with plastic pockets and keep all of your successes together. Whether it’s a note from someone thanking you for doing something nice, a certificate of achievement, a picture of you doing something you never thought you could do (such as Catherine’s skiing example), or even a memo saying ‘well done’ from your boss, put it in your file. Write down all those positive things people have said to you. Provide yourself with the evidence to support the case that you are a success, look at it everyday, add to it every time you have the opportunity to do so and soon you will believe it!!

Introduction

In this section we have included exercises and activities which will help you to achieve whatever it is you want to achieve. We will add to it regularly, plus you can add to it too by emailing us.

It doesn’t matter what books you read or what websites you visit, nothing in you life will change if you don’t make some changes. I think it was Einstein who said that the definition of lunacy is – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result!

If you are a trainer there will be lots of useful information here that will help you in your work with other women.

Body Image

Body Image

From a psychologists point of view how you see yourself, your beliefs about your qualities and attributes is known as your self-concept. Self –esteem refers to your evaluation of that self concept, i.e. whether you feel good or bad about your qualities and attributes. When certain events happen in life drastic changes in both the self-concept and self esteem can result.

For many women body image is an important issue. For both men and women major life events including chronic illness, rape, abuse, major depression etc. can have a negative impact on body image. Treatment for certain illnesses can have side effects. For instance, one possible side effect could be weight gain, which when coupled with the ‘thin ideal’ we are bombarded with through the media, can lead to a dip in both self-esteem and body image. Recent research (Hawkins, Richards, Granley and Sein, 2004) found that exposure to the ‘thin-ideal’ through media images ‘increased body dissatisfaction, negative mood states, and eating disorder symptoms and decreased self-esteem’.

So what can we do about it?

Exercise

Taking regular exercise has been found to be beneficial in improving well-being. In turn this can help combat the effects of stress but more to the point there is a vast amount of research that indicates a beneficial impact of exercise on the immune system. I looked at some recent research (Mustain, Katula and Gill, 2002) which investigated the benefits of exercise as complementary therapy for breast cancer rehabilitation. ‘Women who have participated in activities such as cycling, walking and stretching programs whilst receiving chemotherapy have shown improvements in anxiety, depression, body image, stress, fatigue, nausea, vomiting, cardiovascular fitness, lean body mass and weight fluctuation.’

Further research looking ay psychological and fitness changes associated with exercise participation among women with breast cancer (Pinto, Clark, Maruyama, and Feder, 2003) again positive benefits were found.

Research findings looking at the benefits of exercise to menopausal women give similar results. Exercise has both psychological and physical benefits.

Diet

No, I’m definitely not talking about slimming, what I am referring to is eating a good healthy diet. No calories or points counting. Just making sure that the majority of what you eat is healthy food with everything else in moderation.

Poor diet is linked to a wide range of health problems and illnesses, not only obesity. When poor diet is linked to other risk factors such as stress, the influence on health becomes much greater.

Modifying Self-Talk

How many times have you insulted yourself for making a minor mistake such as forgetting some thing? How often have you labelled yourself as fat or stupid? Do you dread the thought of putting on a swimming costume, or bikini because you think everyone will look at your wobbly thighs or fat tummy? Have you ever thought that if you manage to lose 7 or 10lbs, you’ll be so much happier, your problems will all go away and life will be great?

In reality these insults and thoughts we direct at ourselves are thinking errors, they lead to a distortion of reality.

Because we feel anxious about putting on a swimming costume think about what others might think of us and we feel more anxious and the problem perpetuates. My friend won’t go swimming with her children because she thinks people will look at her tummy. As a result she’s missing out on a lot of fun with her children and some great exercise that would actually help her to feel better about herself.

Changing the way we ‘talk’ to ourselves and think about ourselves isn’t going to change over night, but if we make a pact to be nicer to ourselves, to stop insulting ourselves and to only think or say positive things about ourselves we will be heading in the right direction.

Please shout out loud:-

From this day forward I promise to be nice to myself.

Become Assertive

Being assertive is a whole massive topic in itself, but here are a few potted highlights. People often get assertiveness and aggressiveness confused. Being assertive is not about getting your own way. Being aggressive is about always having to win, always getting your own way and always proving you’re right. Being assertive is about treating your self and others with respect. It’s about expressing your feelings without violating the rights of other people. But it’s also about considering your own needs as important, being able to say no and having the right to make mistakes.

One of my favourite traits of assertive people is being able to give and receive compliments. Telling someone they are looking good or that they did a great job, if it’s genuine and warranted of course, make both the person giving the compliment and the person receiving the compliment feel good about themselves. When you receive a compliment just smile and say thank-you. Often you here people saying ‘what this old thing, I’ve had it ages’ or ‘yes but I’d look better if my thighs weren’t so fat.’ That spoils the compliment for both the giver and receiver and reinforces those negative thought we have about ourselves.

Can we all start by agreeing to give at least one compliment a day to someone who warrants it and it will soon become a habit.

Relaxation

Research indicates that relaxation can have benefits to immune functioning and improve the quality of life of patients in a wide range of illnesses, including cancer, HIV and AIDS. It appears to improve the general outlook of patients improving feeling of well being.

Relaxation training has been shown to increase natural killer cell activity and to boost serotonin levels.

Heather Bestell has built an excellent reputation for her work in stress management and relaxation. There is a great deal of academic research which supports the use of relaxation in boosting the immune system and improving performance. We recommend Heather’s CD (and in fact we supply it to many of our clients). The CD can be purchased through Heather’s website. A Little Bit of Time

Bibliography

Neenan, M. and Dryden, W. (2002). Life Coaching- A Cognitive- Behavioural Approach. New York: Brunner- Routledge.

Sarafino, E.P. (2002) Health Psychology – Biopsychosocial Interactions. New Jersey: Wiley

Taylor, S.E., (2003) Health Psychology, New York: Mc Graw-Hill

Happiness Tools

Happiness Tools

I can’t claim the glory for The Happiness Tools. I was given them at an event I went to and have credited them to whom I was told were their creators. Clients who have followed them for 2 months, as suggested, say they really do work.

Do these for 2 months and see the difference they make.

1. Get physical: do 30 minutes of exercise three times a week.

2. Count your blessings: at the end of each day, reflect on at least 5 things you are grateful for.

3. Talk time: have an hour-long, uninterrupted, conversation with your partner or closest friend every week.

4. Plant something: even if it’s a window box or pot. Keep it alive!

5. Cut your TV viewing by half.

6. Smile and say hello to a stranger – at least once each day.

7. Phone a friend: make contact with at least one friend or relation you have not been in contact with for a while and arrange to meet up.

8. Have a good laugh at least once a day.

9. Every day make sure that you give yourself a treat. Take time to really enjoy this.

10. Daily kindness: Do an extra good turn for someone each day.

Taken from Stevens, Henry, Corlett and Mullan.

Affirmations

Affirmations

“I’m beautiful”

“I’m intelligent”

“I’m lovable”

“I’m a wonderful mum”

“I’m a marvellous person”

If you heard someone saying these things what would your reaction be ?

If you are somone with low self-esteem then it’s likely that you would consider the idea of referring to yourself in this way as very uncomfortable or even very wrong. You may think that someone who refers to themselves in such a way is big headed or arrogant. If you were asked to talk about yourself in this way, would you feel embarrassed? What if you did say these things and then you were found out, or someone said to you ‘Oh no you are not’.

Often it’s easy to be really self-critical. It’s easier to point out your faults than your good points. The problem is that the more self-critical we are, the more we believe our lack of worth and our self-esteem suffers. If our self-esteem suffers then our relationships suffer. Often it affects how we view others. We allow ourselves to be taken advantage of or we hold ourselves back from achieving what we could achieve. As women the way we view and talk about ourselves affects how our children view us, themselves and other people. Learning to relate to ourselves in a positive way is important. It’s not about being arrogant. It is about having a high regard for ourselves, valuing and accepting ourselves as worthwhile individuals. If we have high regard for ourselves and equal high regard for others then we are more likely to have positive and rewarding relationships.

Having high self regard and high self esteem means accepting your faults, accepting that you make mistakes and realising that you can learn from the mistakes of the past.

Affirmations instructions
The following notes explain about affirmations and the importance of affirmations. Normally affirmations are written down, however with clients who have literacy or language problems an inexpensive MP3 player would be a useful alternative. You will need a digital recorder. Get them to speak their affirmations into the recorder, which can then be transferred via a PC onto the MP3 player. If they listen to themselves saying positive things several times a day this will have a positive impact. It does take time though!

Affirmations are positive phrases and thoughts you repeat to yourself. We spend a lot of time telling ourselves negative things and thinking negative thoughts about ourselves, so much so that if we keep saying things like ‘I’m useless’ to yourself, your subconscious actually starts to believe it. By using affirmations we can help to turn those negative thoughts around. When you start to feel more positive about yourself, you will start to perform better.

You can use affirmations to get results in very different areas of your life. Sports people often use the power of positive thoughts to influence their performance. Do you think Dame Kelly Holmes went into races thinking she wasn’t going to win? The influence of a positive attitude and positive beliefs on clinical outcomes in medical settings is increasingly being researched with amazing findings. Research with cancer and aids patients has found that a positive attitude along with relaxation can lead to improvements in health and well-being.

Make a list of 10 positive affirmations, read them out aloud when ever possible, make sure you read them several times per day, learn them!

Examples might be:

On the tennis court – ‘I will play a good game’.

At work – ‘I will do a good presentation’. ‘I will convert this customer’; ‘I deal with difficult customers effectively’ and ‘I will solve this problem’.

In relationships – ‘People accept and respect me. I accept and respect all people’.

Generally – ‘Every day in every way, I’m getting better and better’.

Using affirmations isn’t the panacea for everything. They don’t mean that you don’t need to put in any effort. If your goal is to lose weight, you won’t lose weight by just listing relevant affirmations, you will have to make changes to your life style and eating habits. However, by believing you can do it, by using positive affirmations everyday, you will support your endeavours and achieve your goals.

Positive affirmations are very simple and because of that people often think that the approach is too simplistic to make a difference. I urge you to consider the number of times you currently influence your behaviour by using negative comments to yourself. What have you got to lose? If you follow the rules specified here and it makes no difference what so ever, inform me and then I will never suggest this approach to anyone ever again. (I’ve been using this approach with clients for over 15 years, so what does that tell you?).